liketheark

Yeah. I need a place to vent about some things that I can't write about publicly. So I'm just letting folks know that the really juicy, gossipy, private bits will be lurking behind closed doors. If you're not already my friend, you're welcome to read them if you tell me why you want to know.

This is also my shout out to people who know me in person but who think I don't know are reading my journal. Yeah, I'm talking to you. But it's alright. It's public. Leave a comment if you want to read more.

Just ran across this trailer and was pleasantly surprised:



Last night I watched Soap, a Danish film about two neighbors, one of whom is a trans woman. It was a bit hard to watch at times because it hit too close to home, but in terms of accurately portraying the experience of a trans person, I was really impressed. It's my second favorite (fiction) trans film behind Beautiful Boxer.

And the other night we watched Trantasia, about the World's Most Beautiful Transsexual Pageant. Sounds like it could be a disaster, but it's actually very empowering.

And we also watched Dog Day Afternoon, which is seriously awesome (but don't watch the trailer because they show you the whole movie...except, of course, the trans part! Gotta have a tranny surprise!). It's based on a true story about a guy who robbed a bank to pay for his girlfriend's SRS. There is a documentary about the real person, Based on a True Story, which you can view online (it's mostly in English).

Also saw Beautiful Daughters, which is about the transgender performance of The Vagina Monologues. It was fine; nothing too earth shattering. I'm just like, hello, trans men can have vaginas too.

Not trans related, but The Business of Being Born is also a must-see. Can you tell I'm half way through a free month of Netflix?

Dear LEGO Company,

I am writing to let you know that I just saw a LEGO pop-up ad, and in all honestly, it made me want to vomit. ( Read more... )

Dave Zirin, my new hero / role model:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMUIoO8eArA

I visited this website and my first thought was, "wow, what a plain-looking website." [insert forehead smack]

I knew about half way through this sentence that it just wasn't gonna come out right.

While [Noah] had no biological trouble relieving himself, he experienced significant societal barriers in his efforts to relieve himself while in public.

I just received word of my upcoming 15 year high school reunion and I am super excited.

Literally yesterday I was lying on my bed and thought about how it was 15 years and wondering if there would be a reunion. (I didn't go to the 10th one since I was in an awkward pre-transition phase and lacked full confidence.) Then today, the invite! It's at the end of May, so now I have one month to get my life in order. :)

I went on Facebook and was friending people from high school, and I'm like, is it rude to friend or message ex-boyfriends when you haven't personally told them that you're a dude now? Well, the one is gay and he already knew and friended me right back. Many people know of my transition, but I've only met one person in person I think.

I have this picture of me holding my senior year high school picture next to my face, and I thought it would be pretty hilarious to make that my Facebook profile picture. But I don't really want that thing on the internet, so no dice. But I should probably take an old picture with me. I mean, most people have a hard time remembering who people are as it is. But my general attitude is going to be like this is totally normal, just like other people get married and have kids, well, some people change sexes. Maybe there will even be another trans classmate.

And I'll be taking a person they will perceive as male, so that is a another whole layer. But it is my intention that everyone will be super friendly and supportive.

I evidently live under a rock since this is the first I'm learning about the Angie Zapata case. So hearing about the case is bad enough. (clicking the link is pretty upsetting)

But I'm not excited about the conviction. She's already gone so it's not like it's doing her or her family any good.

There's no question the publicity about the case is good, and on one hand it's certainly good that there was a conviction of first-degree murder. That does represent change, but I think that change is the result of more societal awareness of trans people due to trans activism and people being openly trans. The hate crimes part is wholly unnecessary. I also I don't see how anyone is served by locking this guy up and throwing away the key.

"Defense attorney Kundelius also made a short statement: 'I think it's important everybody know Mr. Andrade is not some kind of monster, as has somewhat been portrayed.'" Exactly.

Everyone can look at this guy and say "what a monster" and not question their own behavior. Cisgender women can condemn this person and still freak out when a trans woman wants to use the restroom. Cisgender men can still make Crying Game jokes. Pop culture can still portray trans women as fake.

Yeah, OK, the evidence might have been convincing that the killer knew she was trans before hand. But what if he hadn't?

I don't want more hate crimes laws. How about ENDA? How about HB300 here in PA? How about press coverage that doesn't put quotes around Angie?

Hmm, time's up.

I randomly ran across this forthcoming book, Normal at Any Cost; Tall Girls Short Boys, and the Medical Industry's Quest to Manipulate Height, and it seems like a fascinating read for trans folk:

Detailing the lengths modern science and everyday people have gone to in order to maintain stature norms — as well as the impact this manipulation has had on patients, pharmaceutical companies and society at large — Normal at Any Cost is a thorough investigation of a phenomenon that still affects us today: the attempts by drug-makers to define "normal" height.

Going behind closed doors and into recently unsealed files, Cohen and Cosgrove reveal the harrowing extent of Big Pharma’s role in growth therapy: from the synthetic estrogen that forced thousands of young, tall girls into early puberty; to cadavers harvested for human growth hormone (hGH), leading to an outbreak of human mad cow disease. Normal at Any Cost strikes a cinematic balance between the science (detailing the "how" and "why" behind the therapies) and the personal tales of the players involved.

I just got around to reading Schroer v. Billington. I'm hard pressed to think of a better opinion that I've read--some smart people had a lot of fun with that.

This is the case where the Library of Congress refused to hire their new terrorism expert after she told them she'd be starting as a woman. The facts could not be more perfect, e.g., "Schroer received the highest interview score of all eighteen candidates." But as soon as Shroer informed them, they told her the next day her offer was rescinded.

More precisely, it went like this:
( rather hilariously )

Also, don't miss the part where you can see the clerks/judge rofl is when they quote Scalia in favor of the decision (page 33).

There's not only humor, but also a heart-warming part. After listing all of the asinine things he said in his 2006 memorandum denying the Library’s motion to dismiss, including that a sex stereotyping claim could not arise from disclosure of gender dysphoria, the judge writes, "That was before the development of the factual record that is now before me." <3 <3 <3

Sometimes I like the law a tiny bit. But really, I like all of the education that went into the law clerks and the doctors who testified and the ACLU lawyers (two Harvard grads among them), so congratulations to Schroer and all of those "courageous" trans people who made this victory possible.

Unrelated but for a link: This is good for a laugh. But 19-year-olds don't date 26-year-old cissexuals, they date 28-year-old transsexuals. Get it straight!

I was reading something that helped me put something that happened today in context.

I was at lunch there was a table of women and me at another table. We were outside and it was just us. One of the women started loudly complaining about the people who didn't evacuate before Katrina, about how they were stupid, etc.

Obviously there are a million reasons why they didn't get out involving institutional racism and classism. So normally I would say something like not everyone has a car, not everyone can afford gas, not everyone can afford a hotel, there weren't busses, we wouldn't fund the levy, etc.

But I didn't say anything because of the gender and class dynamics right there. I don't know if I make more than them, perhaps roughly the same, but they must know I'm an attorney temp, so that would create a weird dynamic, then there is the lone man telling a table full of women "what to do." Plus the eavesdropping thing.

I listened to see if anyone would correct her. One women kind of sort of tried to, mentioning the bridge and how the sheriff wouldn't let them cross, but that was after the fact and wasn't very compelling to the first woman.

I don't feel bad about not saying anything given the circumstances--I couldn't think fast enough to figure out a way to say anything without being an asshole. But if I could figure out something for the future, that would be good.

Law Clerk/Bailiff

Each year, beginning August 1, the Court [Provo, Utah] employs ten full time law clerks who also serve as courtroom bailiff to one judge.

DUTIES: Performs courtroom bailiff duties which include opening and closing court sessions, maintaining order in the courtroom, protecting integrity of jury during deliberations. Performs professional legal research and analysis on complex legal issues for district court judge.


You have to undergo six weeks of sheriff's training. ha! Alas, I'd no doubt fail the physical fitness exam...my dreams of becoming Rusty, dashed.

That's OK though, as I got the job in West Virginia. Yay, a paycheck!!

Dani asked me what's the youngest people mistook me for, and I said that my age was showing. I spoke too soon. On the way home I got an emergency exit row seat (my reward for having to arrive at the airport four hours early*). Since you have to be a whopping 16 to sit there, the flight attendant asked how old I was. I said 31 and people around me laughed. The flight attendant said, "Yeah right! Like I believe that!"

Then I had a crazy Greyhound trip (that's redundant, huh?) to Philly where the women in front and behind me wanted me to put and get their bags from the overhead compartment. "Thank you, young man." The guy next to her asked if she needed help and she said, "No, this nice young man helped me." Pat pat pat.

*Incidentally, if you have more than a 2 hour layover at the Salt Lake City airport, you can get a van to and from Temple Square. Then, if you go there and tour the Beehive house, you can learn that Brigham Young was "one of the greatest colonizers" of the American West. And they mean that as a compliment.

I'm having a bit of a crazy time, so it seems fitting to share something disturbing.

I've written before wondering about the relationship between body integrity identity disorder and transsexuality. Last night I happened upon a video that touches upon an aspect that could shed some light on the subject: a trans woman with BIID who cut off her legs. In the related videos, you can find an update clip and "why I love Jerry Springer," which is where the disturbing transphobia and goriness comes out (and the non-liberated, transphobic disabled guy wanting to beat her up).

Obviously Sandra could answer the question of how they are the same or not, but she's not the only one. There is also Marie, who coined the word transabled and wrote A comparison between transsexuality and transableism.

I don't know how down I am with the word "transabled." Is that just me saying, "I don't want to be associated with those freaks?" I guess if I don't have a problem with people accessing medical procedures for BIID (which I guess I don't) then I shouldn't care if they appropriate "trans."

But, then again, I think I've a right to be a little annoyed when a cisgender person with BIID writes, "With this said, only one personal friend (as opposed to online friend) knows about my BIID, and that is only because she is transgendered and can relate to BIID in a way," then you see in the comments that "she" is an FTM guy.

I'd been wanting a book on meditation because I know it's good for you, and I've made some attempts in the past without much success. I decided what kind of book I wanted. It would be for complete beginners, it wouldn't involve chanting things in another language, it would be practical, come with a CD, and above all, it would work!

So, this book found its way to me, and it's called Mental Resilience: The Power of Clarity. How to develop the focus of a warrior and the peace of a monk by Kamal Sarma.

Opening it up to the dedication, I knew it was the book for me: "To all the warrior monks who stand up against oppression and violence with only their focus, peace, and compassion. To those who fight not with arms but with alms."

Now, I know, you're thinking, but that sounds woo-woo, not practical. That's actually the most woo-woo part about the whole book. He actually likes to call it Mental Resilience Training to make it more down-to-earth than "meditation." Besides, as quoted in the book, "I used to think that anyone doing anything weird was weird. I suddenly realized that anyone weird wasn't weird at all and that it was the people saying they were weird that were weird." --Paul McCartney

Part One is about theory and goes into some of the documented benefits of meditation and explains the different kind of brain waves and stuff. Sarma is actually a corporate-type person--the few pictures of people meditating are wearing business suits. Ha!

The second part is on practice. The CD comes with 5 different meditations: Relaxation, Calm, Emotional Tranquility, Insight, and Wisdom. Since Sarma is Australian, I now meditate in an Australian accent.

( Meditating in, on, and around the bar exam )

But bottom line, if you have ever been interested in meditation, this is the book! And it's not just about relaxation, it's much more, it is about developing emotional tranquility, insight and wisdom.

OK, even if you've never been interested in meditation, check out this book. I'm mad that this stuff wasn't taught in school, and I wish someone would have taught me this sooner. But, I don't want to perpetuate the idea that meditation is just something for those "weirdos who meditate" by being too enthusiastic. So, I'll just leave you this: I like the story he tells here about the monks crossing a battlefield (but it is a promo video, so excuse any overdramatization).

Aw, thanks for the congratulations, everyone!

decafdyke raised a good question, "isn't it confidence to say "i am passing the bar right now," and arrogance to say "i passed" (before you know)?" I had thought about addressing that concern, so ( I'll do that now. )

I passed the bar exam!

:)

Of course, they don't actually release the results until October (at which point I'll be constantly refreshing this page), ( but I'm not just being arrogant. )

Yes, lj-cut for your reading pleasure so that you don't end up like Dani last week having to say "gee, that's all very interesting" to save yourself from an (imho, brief) monologue about my study habits and strategy.

And, some heartwarming trans content via budgie3579: Thai school offers transsexual toilet

Newsweek cover story (via tgpoc list): Young, Gay Trans and Murdered (the beginning is particularly disturbing, fyi)

Is there anything not going on in that story? Damn. I'll summarize one part: a) it was the kid's fault and b) if it wasn't the kid, it was the dyke vice principal. Yes, it's the freak that's the problem. We never stopped to ask, gee, maybe it's everyone else who is insecure about their gender and sexuality and race. Maybe we should help them become more comfortable with themselves so that they don't go around being behaving like nut jobs who bully and kill another student.

While the editor's introduction says "the story was far more complicated than it had first appeared" the reporter just couldn't make the mental leap and actually explore what it would mean if Larry King were actually Leticia. How can you write an entire article about this and not use the word "transgender" or "gender expression" or "gender variant" or anything at all to indicate that gender expression does not equal sexuality?

If the reporter had, we might have answers to questions raised such as how many girls at that school dressed the way Leticia did? How many behaved toward boys the way Leticia did? How many gay 14-year-old boys tell their mothers they want a sex change? How would Leticia have been received differently if people thought of "him" as "her"? We might inquire about what it means that there no gender variant pictures of this person up on the family's memorial site (hot pink gloves notwithstanding)? What if all of the teachers ceased seeing Leticia's gender expression as "flaunting homosexuality?"

Not that there is not a double standard for "flaunting" sexuality, not that homophobia wasn't a factor here, but by ignoring the gender variance and focusing just on sexuality, the article fails to point out how a lot of the attention Leticia generated was simply due gender variance, not sexuality. People at that same school probably wouldn't have been so freaked out by a gender normative gay boy. I seriously doubt if Larry was the (white) star of the football team that he would have been killed. (Barney Frank, I hope you're listening.)

Also in this issue, sad (?) news: the creator of the "Men on a Mission" calendar, was excommunicated by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But don't worry, he's already completed 2009 calendar. And for fans of the ladies, coming in 2010 is a "calendar of women he's calling 'Mormon Muffins: A Taste of Motherhood,' in which mothers will pose and offer their favorite recipes."

And what will they think of next. A new way to criminalize men of color: make saggy pants illegal.

Yeah, I'm gonna go study now....

from an ad for an office manager in Utah:

We are a equal opportunity employer and men are also encouraged to apply.

And, hey, if that doesn't work out...

Sales Position/Secretary - Multiple Positions
Good Timber Log Furnishings Hiring for a full-time sales position/secretary and part-time chainsaw bear carver.

And on a lighter note... (x-posted to ftm)

I came back from running today and was about to get in the shower when I noticed in the mirror a strange sweat-free spot around my left nipple on my otherwise sweat-covered chest. Initially I though maybe that part had somehow gotten dried off by my shirt, but then I noticed that it was a diamond shape extending beyond all sides of my nipple, and there was a smaller diamond (really only the bottom) around my right nipple.

I promptly went over to my parents saying, "want to see something freaky?" My mom was suitably weirded out.

I think I only noticed this for the first time because I didn't have the light on in the bathroom, so the natural light made it more visible.

So, what gives? Has anyone else noticed this? My surgery was 2.5 years ago. Sure, I could email Medalie, but I'm not entirely sure I want to know.